As my final session wrapped up today, I felt a deep sense of peace within me. I noticed that I didn’t need to make a conscious effort to shift myself into that state as I had in the past, it was just there, naturally.

Along with a deep sense of relief.

This final session was the big one. This is where I called b*llshit on my avoidance and faced my biggest and scariest demons - the ultimate act of betrayal that could be committed against a little girl. Yet the process was peaceful, gentle, cathartic and safe. I didn’t need to see the memories to release the blockage I’d been so fiercely holding onto and protecting. I just felt the energy move and release as we did the work.

I realised that the experiences and betrayals from my childhood that I’ve held onto stuffed down and unwilling to look at wasn’t a reflection of my worth. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough but what I realised was, that what my family was capable of was not good enough for me. And I can say that with compassion towards them because it wasn’t a reflection on me, it was a reflection of their own life experiences that caused them pain and drove them to act or respond the way they did.

The context of my destructive relationship patterns over the years also became clearer.

And now there seems to be a separation from my eating and spending behaviours as well. It’s like there’s a pause where I see how I used food and shopping to keep everything stuffed down.

My belief in myself has returned. I’ve moved from feeling weak, defeated and insecure to acknowledging I am actually brave, courageous and strong as f*ck.

I’ve let go of the critical stories and labels I used to define myself by. They’re simply not there anymore. If a thought about them comes, it doesn’t hold any emotional charge and then it just drifts away. I noticed this shift after the first couple of sessions.

This stuff wasn’t conscious. I’ve invested tens of thousands of dollars and as many hours over the last decade trying to “fix myself” and address these thoughts, beliefs, and behavioural patterns through traditional psychology and psychiatry, hospitalisations, 12-step programs, meditation, prayer, kinesiology and other energy work, shamanic and traditional healing retreats, weekend workshops, affirmations, books, tapping, essential oils, even a Course in Miracles. Some of it helped yet I inevitably experienced the same experiences only in different contexts.

There were times during these past 5 months working with Jen when I doubted myself and the process, I shut down, self-sabotaged, took some time to regroup, reopen and re-trust.

Ultimately though, I honored my commitment. I did the work and on a part-time salary in a single-income household, it was hard, but I was going to see it through no matter what. And I’m pretty f***ing proud of myself for my courage, bravery and tenacity.

Now I admire the woman I see in the mirror. I feel more open and peaceful like I’ve reconnected to the essence of who I am. This has been the biggest shift of all. It feels honest and vulnerable, humbling, real and beautiful. It’s invaluable. I’m finally finding me and I love her.

And now I feel ready to fall in love with someone wonderful one day — someone who is capable of giving me the love and affection I’m worthy of and I think it’s because I’m finally capable of that as well. Love isn’t something I need to be scared of anymore. I can trust myself now and I know that if I do get scared and wobbly on my new path, then I have the tools and the people in my corner to help me shine a light on the shadows so I don’t need to be afraid.

I’m so grateful for you Jen, thank you for being there to walk with me through the muck and messiness of it all and for consistently holding a safe, stable and loving space every single session. My teary butterfly face at the end said it all!! xx

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- PCI Therapy Client